Writing to an Angel

Dear Darren,

Thinking back now, I hate how often we used to use the term "life's a bitch and then you die." It's so stupid. There's no need for anyone to be that cynical and life was far from a bitch.

People tell stories of their childhoods and they talk about their trips to Disney Land and family vacations and cottages and all that fun stuff, and it always makes me so happy.

I've been to Disney Land once, with you, when we actually got in the car with your mom and she drove the entire way with the beach boys blaring. Our gangsta sides just wanted to kill her and we made it very known. We even protested and starting sharing mp3 players so that we would use one at a time and save some battery. We were such little chickens too. I remember us making fun of the fat people across the street when your mom was in the store, or laughing at people in their cars, but as soon as they would look at us, instantly duck and start giggling as if we just had the biggest rush of our lives.

And then we got there, and I know you made this joke last year, but "it was the first time you saw my gay side." We somehow got to that area that had only the princesses and you we both woah'ed and then I started naming them off while you were admiring the size of their tits. Maybe I just wasn't as perverted as you were.

Do you remember the summer in Grand Bend? My sister got a job there and she agreed that we were old enough to take care of ourselves, so let us stay with her at her cottage. 2 17yrs old boys, I had my car, we brought so much weed and she had made the deal that we stay out of her hair and she gets us booze. We had the best times there I think. I loved the parties and the beach time and all that fun stuff, but mainly, I really enjoyed the last night there. Not sure if it's still in your mind, but we walked on the beach at like 5 in the morning, you me and my sister. We brought beers with us and just sat there and starred out in the water as the sun was rising. My sister later went to bed, but we were both too drunk that we stayed up. It must've been around 7-8am when we decided to start heading back to the house and you twisted your ankle. I cleaned up all our cans and bottles and then helped you back in the house and my sister was so furious because she knew she was going to be the one blamed for that. We made our way back home and I helped you into the house and instead of getting mad at us or caring that you were hurt, all the parents could talk about was how much of a hero I was for helping you in the cottage, in the car, icing your ankle and getting you in the house. I felt so happy and you just let it happen because it was better than the alternative.

I wish we could choose our hero moments. I would've left you out there until the paramedics found you, transferred myself over to Iraq and carried you out of there. I hate that this is how you have to go, just because some idiot with a gun aimed your way. I'm sure the fires were going both ways but knowing you, I just have a feeling inside me that you are one of the few that found something good to do in this god awful battle. I know in my heart that you were meant to do something great for that place, otherwise, destiny wouldn't have brought you there and it kills me to know that your hero moment was taken away from you!

But you know me, I'm selfish as hell, which is actually bothering me right now. You went and did something great and in these past 4 days of missing you and thinking about you, I get so mad at you! I know it's the wrong thing to say right now, but I told you that this war wasn't for you and I didn't want you to go and so did your mom, but your stupid self had to go anyways and now I have to sit here thinking "I told you so."

I hate that I'm not going to see you again.
I hate that you won't get to live the happy life you deserve.
I hate that it feels like you were doing more with your life than I am and we can't trade places.
I hate that there's nothing I can do to see you again.
I HATE THAT I LOST MY BEST FRIEND!

I hope that the after life is real, because whenever comes my time, I'll say bye to those I leave behind and it will crush me and kill me and hurt me so bad, but then moments after I'll be saying hi to you and all my pain will be gone. I'll know that those left behind will join us, but mainly, I'll be able to hug you again and talk to you about naruto and play barnyard basket ball with you and just be able to hang out with my best friend again.

I love you man. See you soon?

To a loving mother.

Dear Dora.

This letter isn’t to tell you how much I care and will miss Darren, I think that’s a given. I just wanted to write you a message to let you know what I love most about your son and my longest friend and what I will remember.

It’s hard to think of a specific moment. I’ve known him the longest of people in my life, immediate family exempted, and I can’t seem to pin point any specific moments. But, I think it’s for the best. When I think of Darren all I can think of is random amazing times.

I remember when we were both in kindergarten and my sister came in to help our class. She was the starter of our first big fight. I’m not sure if you remember this happening, but we both sat at the back of the classroom. She handed our stickers to everyone and once she got to us, all she had left was a tiger sticker and a snowflake sticker. Since I was her brother, she figured, give Darren the tiger and Bruce the snowflake. I was so mad that I got the girly sticker and he got the manly one; that I blamed him for asking when I was next. We must’ve spent about a week or so without speaking to one another. Both you and my mom interrogated the both of us and we were not having anything of it. We both said everything was alright and that it was the other person’s fault and so on and so on. Then, I remember that I hurt myself and you made Darren come play with me because I was in bed with a cast on my hand. We sat there for a bit quiet until he noticed my new power rangers toy. When he asked to play with it, I said no, only I could; so he got up and brought it to me. That’s what ended our fight.

To be honest, I don’t know how that story came to me but it’s so vivid that if put up for interrogation, I think I could even tell you what we were wearing (please don’t call me out on that though). It’s weird because I never thought anything of it, but looking back now, he is a bit of a disappointment in the sense that he never learnt any new tricks. Back then the only thing he ever relied on was what was right and what was kind, and now it’s still the same.

The next memory is not one you’ll enjoy, but god did it ever make me happy. He was dating someone in high school, which you didn’t like. So he would always say he was at my house and you never second guessed it. Until the time we were supposed to hang out and he ditched me, so I called asking for him. He got in so much trouble and I felt so bad, but at the same point I knew that it was his fault; because he had left me without telling me, so how was I supposed to help? We both got in trouble together, as always, but this time, the punishment you guys gave us was a kind one – Only allowed to hang out together, and we have to check in with both you so you know where we are. I think that time that you guys made us spend together got us so close.

It makes me laugh because, just last year when I finally built up the strength to tell him I was gay, he got so mad and in the midst of that anger, he brought up that week. Not in verbatim, but he pretty much said – we spent so much time making small talk because we were together all the time and had nothing new to tell each other and you couldn’t bring up this conversation starter.

He didn’t care that I liked boys, or that we bathed together or had sleepovers all the time including my last day before moving to Ottawa, he wasn’t weirded out by any of that, to him it was just me and whoever I am it’s just me and I felt the same way about him and the thing that hurts me most is that I will never be able to tell him how much I loved him. I have 2 brothers and somehow he knows more about me than they do. He was my rock in everything and I was his. I know things that he probably took to the grave with him (and once again, don’t ask, he’s watching right now and I want him to know that I will take it to the grave with me as well).

Darren was my best friend. When I moved, we kept in touch but I didn’t really speak with him. He was doing the whole RMC and military thing and I was starting a whole new exciting world. I regret that now. I look at my friends and the people that I surrounded myself with and they all have a piece of Darren in them; he would have loved my friends and they would have wanted him around all the time. They all wear their hearts on their sleeves; they would all do anything for a friend; they all value family like no one can imagine; and they all would have loved your son and my best friend.

It’s so like him to get the last laugh. I sent him a care package when he was overseas. I never told you and I doubt he did either because it was a care package of stuff that one wouldn’t ask a parent for. He promised me that he would bring me back a cool looking pen. So what did he do? In the letter he left me, there’s a pen drawn on that says “cool looking” on it.

I loved him and will miss him forever and always. I know you and my mom have already taken out all our old pictures, she told me, but to be honest, I don’t really need them. Feel free to take the ones you would like and I will keep the extras somewhere safe. It’s not that I don’t want a reminder of him, but as I write this, I notice that no matter the distance that came between us, I have never forgotten him; he has never stopped being my brother, my best friend, and one of the most important people in my life.

“If it’s worth doing, DO IT”

That’s the final message he left me in his letter. I was going to get something else tattooed on me, but that has become the most important sentence in my life. I’m going to put that on my side so that he’s forever side to side with me and I will think of him in everything I do.

Take care of yourself Dora, and if I learned anything from our best friend, it’s that life’s too short to lose ties. I saved your number in my phone. I will start giving you weekly parental calls, like the rest of my parents. Please call me as well; I will answer no matter what I’m doing.