noticing helps

Sometimes it makes sense to re-evaluate things. Take a second, float outside your own body and take a bird's eye view. Who are your friends? What do you see in your past? How's the future mapped?

Is this the way you saw it going?

NO? Then fucking change it. Life's too short to have people who aren't worth it sucking up your air.

Sounds emo - Not on purpose - It's more enlightened. Sometimes it feels good to notice things.

Day4 - YOGA

I thought yoga would be the easiest one, since I consider myself to be fairly flexible for a guy my age; wow was I ever wrong. I think it's just the combination of it being after arms and me trying to do it at 10:30 in the morning, but I'm having a real hard time with it. It's an hour and a half long, which I think I used to psyche myself out before even starting.

I did about 20 minutes of it and my arms started wobbling. I'm taking a little break to write this note down in hopes to regain some arm strength. Nothing like a solid 10 minute break. K, I'm going back.

No dice - Feeling too much pain doing this. I'm going to wait and see if Rick wants to do it with me when he gets home. That way I'll have a partner and we can watch for each other. Otherwise, I hope the force, along with the will to get jacked and flexible, is with me.

Day 3 - Arms and Shoulders

Wow are my arms ever weak. I had such a hard time with today's workout, and was about to even stop half way and just finish it next time. However, my determination seems to be stronger than my ego. I jumped down from 10s to 5s, which isn't a big surprise, as you can see in the picture, i have never in my life worked my arms out, UNTIL TODAY - I finished the workout. GO ME GO.

Breakdown:

• Alternating shoulder press - 10lbs=15 - 20lbs=8
• In&out bicep curl - 10lbs=17 - 20lbs=6. Too much, stick to 10s for now until i can do 12 or more both times.
• 2 arm kick back - 10lbs=12 then 8
• Deep swimmer's press - 10lbs=12 then 11
• Stimulation Concentration Curl - 10lbs=13 then 13 - perfect for where i am right now
• Dips - Knees Bent=20 - Straight legs=8
• Upright row - 10lbs=15 then 10
• Static Arm Curl - 10lbs=16 both times
• Flip Grip Twist - 5lbs=10 - 10lbs=2... Stick to the 5
• Seated 2 angle shoulder Fly - 5lbs=12 then 14 - don't think i was doing it right though.
• Crouching Cohen Curl - 10lbs=8 both times
• Lying Down Triceps Extension - 5lbs=15 - 10lbs=12

BONUS ROUND!!!

• Straight Arm Fly - 5lbs=15 both times
• Congdon Curl - 5lbs=20 - 10lbs=8
• Side Tri-Rise - 6 reps then 8 reps

My left arm is scary weaker than my right arm. Good old internet.

Day2 - back and shoulders

I decided I couldn't really keep making excuses if I wanted to succeed. So, I worked around not having a bar and did the back and chest workout. Let me tell you - I know now why it's my weakest part.

At the begining they were doing pull ups, which I figured a way to kindo f do it, but decided not to, and then Tony Horton (the instructor) called me right out saying that some of us may not even be able to do 2 or 3 pull ups and showed cheats to do them so that we can get to a point where we can, I decided then, that I would just try my darnest and hope that at 90, I can quote this paragraph and be like, HA, now i can do 30 no problem! We'll see.

I did fairly well, except, doing the back flies didn't feel at all natural and I was having a hard time finding a comfortable way to do them. I still did a solid amount I think. And I can't do the dive bomb push ups. I'll try them when I haven't already done a good amount and my arms are exhausted, but I had a hard time with them today, big time.

Anyways, here the summary:

• I did 2 sets of heavy pants with 10lbs. The first I did 15 reps and the second I did 16


• I did 17 reps of lawnmower with 10lbs. Then 15 reps with 20lbs. I'm sticking with 20lbs next time.


• I did 10 reps of back fly with 10lbs. Then 6 reps with 20lbs. I have to figure out if I'm doing it right, if not, stick to 10 or do 5 and get the technique, if so, stick with 20lbs


• I did a total of 25 pulls ups (10, 10, 5)


• 25 sit ups in one set


• A total of 95 sit ups


• A total of 86 push ups (BOOYAH)

Feeling really proud of myself, but I have an interview and it's super ugly outside, so once again NO RUN :(

Day1 - plyometrics

Today's card:

Plyometrics of p90x
25 push ups
20 sit ups in one set
50 sit ups in total
No Run

I was supposed to start off with back and chest, but I don't have the rubber band to be able to do the chin ups stuff, thank god, that's what I'm most scared of right now.

I wish I had a camera to be able to take pics daily, but my phone isn't working. I took it anyways and will be able to upload it when I'm done.

FOOD:

• oatmeal


• 2 sandwiches


• slice of pizza

DID YOU DRINK? yes

DID YOU GO OUT? no

MY GOAL AFTER 90 DAYS.

• Complete p90x


• do 100 push ups per day


• do 50 sit ups in one set


• do 250 sit ups per day


• Run full speed from 29 robinson, to the end of Strathcona and jog back
• 
  
• BE IN SHAPE

Just a thought

I'm done with this whole game I'm playing with myself where I think that I'm just this big slut and can keep hooking up. I really like the person I'm with right now, and he just told his roommates that he was gay just so we can hang out together at his place and at mine. When we first starting hooking up, he made it very clear that he wasn't ready to tell anyone for at least another year, because he didn't want me to go into whatever we were going into with the wrong expectations. But, now he's told someone, after a couple weeks, I have to think that means something.

I remember how hard it was to tell people. You don't know when to do it, if you do it all serious or a s a joke or as a given, or what not. The person reacts how they want, you have no control over that. It's nerve wrecking, but he did it, for me. I'm for sure going to see where this takes me as scary and as new of a concept as that is for me.

Writing to an Angel

Dear Darren,

Thinking back now, I hate how often we used to use the term "life's a bitch and then you die." It's so stupid. There's no need for anyone to be that cynical and life was far from a bitch.

People tell stories of their childhoods and they talk about their trips to Disney Land and family vacations and cottages and all that fun stuff, and it always makes me so happy.

I've been to Disney Land once, with you, when we actually got in the car with your mom and she drove the entire way with the beach boys blaring. Our gangsta sides just wanted to kill her and we made it very known. We even protested and starting sharing mp3 players so that we would use one at a time and save some battery. We were such little chickens too. I remember us making fun of the fat people across the street when your mom was in the store, or laughing at people in their cars, but as soon as they would look at us, instantly duck and start giggling as if we just had the biggest rush of our lives.

And then we got there, and I know you made this joke last year, but "it was the first time you saw my gay side." We somehow got to that area that had only the princesses and you we both woah'ed and then I started naming them off while you were admiring the size of their tits. Maybe I just wasn't as perverted as you were.

Do you remember the summer in Grand Bend? My sister got a job there and she agreed that we were old enough to take care of ourselves, so let us stay with her at her cottage. 2 17yrs old boys, I had my car, we brought so much weed and she had made the deal that we stay out of her hair and she gets us booze. We had the best times there I think. I loved the parties and the beach time and all that fun stuff, but mainly, I really enjoyed the last night there. Not sure if it's still in your mind, but we walked on the beach at like 5 in the morning, you me and my sister. We brought beers with us and just sat there and starred out in the water as the sun was rising. My sister later went to bed, but we were both too drunk that we stayed up. It must've been around 7-8am when we decided to start heading back to the house and you twisted your ankle. I cleaned up all our cans and bottles and then helped you back in the house and my sister was so furious because she knew she was going to be the one blamed for that. We made our way back home and I helped you into the house and instead of getting mad at us or caring that you were hurt, all the parents could talk about was how much of a hero I was for helping you in the cottage, in the car, icing your ankle and getting you in the house. I felt so happy and you just let it happen because it was better than the alternative.

I wish we could choose our hero moments. I would've left you out there until the paramedics found you, transferred myself over to Iraq and carried you out of there. I hate that this is how you have to go, just because some idiot with a gun aimed your way. I'm sure the fires were going both ways but knowing you, I just have a feeling inside me that you are one of the few that found something good to do in this god awful battle. I know in my heart that you were meant to do something great for that place, otherwise, destiny wouldn't have brought you there and it kills me to know that your hero moment was taken away from you!

But you know me, I'm selfish as hell, which is actually bothering me right now. You went and did something great and in these past 4 days of missing you and thinking about you, I get so mad at you! I know it's the wrong thing to say right now, but I told you that this war wasn't for you and I didn't want you to go and so did your mom, but your stupid self had to go anyways and now I have to sit here thinking "I told you so."

I hate that I'm not going to see you again.
I hate that you won't get to live the happy life you deserve.
I hate that it feels like you were doing more with your life than I am and we can't trade places.
I hate that there's nothing I can do to see you again.
I HATE THAT I LOST MY BEST FRIEND!

I hope that the after life is real, because whenever comes my time, I'll say bye to those I leave behind and it will crush me and kill me and hurt me so bad, but then moments after I'll be saying hi to you and all my pain will be gone. I'll know that those left behind will join us, but mainly, I'll be able to hug you again and talk to you about naruto and play barnyard basket ball with you and just be able to hang out with my best friend again.

I love you man. See you soon?

To a loving mother.

Dear Dora.

This letter isn’t to tell you how much I care and will miss Darren, I think that’s a given. I just wanted to write you a message to let you know what I love most about your son and my longest friend and what I will remember.

It’s hard to think of a specific moment. I’ve known him the longest of people in my life, immediate family exempted, and I can’t seem to pin point any specific moments. But, I think it’s for the best. When I think of Darren all I can think of is random amazing times.

I remember when we were both in kindergarten and my sister came in to help our class. She was the starter of our first big fight. I’m not sure if you remember this happening, but we both sat at the back of the classroom. She handed our stickers to everyone and once she got to us, all she had left was a tiger sticker and a snowflake sticker. Since I was her brother, she figured, give Darren the tiger and Bruce the snowflake. I was so mad that I got the girly sticker and he got the manly one; that I blamed him for asking when I was next. We must’ve spent about a week or so without speaking to one another. Both you and my mom interrogated the both of us and we were not having anything of it. We both said everything was alright and that it was the other person’s fault and so on and so on. Then, I remember that I hurt myself and you made Darren come play with me because I was in bed with a cast on my hand. We sat there for a bit quiet until he noticed my new power rangers toy. When he asked to play with it, I said no, only I could; so he got up and brought it to me. That’s what ended our fight.

To be honest, I don’t know how that story came to me but it’s so vivid that if put up for interrogation, I think I could even tell you what we were wearing (please don’t call me out on that though). It’s weird because I never thought anything of it, but looking back now, he is a bit of a disappointment in the sense that he never learnt any new tricks. Back then the only thing he ever relied on was what was right and what was kind, and now it’s still the same.

The next memory is not one you’ll enjoy, but god did it ever make me happy. He was dating someone in high school, which you didn’t like. So he would always say he was at my house and you never second guessed it. Until the time we were supposed to hang out and he ditched me, so I called asking for him. He got in so much trouble and I felt so bad, but at the same point I knew that it was his fault; because he had left me without telling me, so how was I supposed to help? We both got in trouble together, as always, but this time, the punishment you guys gave us was a kind one – Only allowed to hang out together, and we have to check in with both you so you know where we are. I think that time that you guys made us spend together got us so close.

It makes me laugh because, just last year when I finally built up the strength to tell him I was gay, he got so mad and in the midst of that anger, he brought up that week. Not in verbatim, but he pretty much said – we spent so much time making small talk because we were together all the time and had nothing new to tell each other and you couldn’t bring up this conversation starter.

He didn’t care that I liked boys, or that we bathed together or had sleepovers all the time including my last day before moving to Ottawa, he wasn’t weirded out by any of that, to him it was just me and whoever I am it’s just me and I felt the same way about him and the thing that hurts me most is that I will never be able to tell him how much I loved him. I have 2 brothers and somehow he knows more about me than they do. He was my rock in everything and I was his. I know things that he probably took to the grave with him (and once again, don’t ask, he’s watching right now and I want him to know that I will take it to the grave with me as well).

Darren was my best friend. When I moved, we kept in touch but I didn’t really speak with him. He was doing the whole RMC and military thing and I was starting a whole new exciting world. I regret that now. I look at my friends and the people that I surrounded myself with and they all have a piece of Darren in them; he would have loved my friends and they would have wanted him around all the time. They all wear their hearts on their sleeves; they would all do anything for a friend; they all value family like no one can imagine; and they all would have loved your son and my best friend.

It’s so like him to get the last laugh. I sent him a care package when he was overseas. I never told you and I doubt he did either because it was a care package of stuff that one wouldn’t ask a parent for. He promised me that he would bring me back a cool looking pen. So what did he do? In the letter he left me, there’s a pen drawn on that says “cool looking” on it.

I loved him and will miss him forever and always. I know you and my mom have already taken out all our old pictures, she told me, but to be honest, I don’t really need them. Feel free to take the ones you would like and I will keep the extras somewhere safe. It’s not that I don’t want a reminder of him, but as I write this, I notice that no matter the distance that came between us, I have never forgotten him; he has never stopped being my brother, my best friend, and one of the most important people in my life.

“If it’s worth doing, DO IT”

That’s the final message he left me in his letter. I was going to get something else tattooed on me, but that has become the most important sentence in my life. I’m going to put that on my side so that he’s forever side to side with me and I will think of him in everything I do.

Take care of yourself Dora, and if I learned anything from our best friend, it’s that life’s too short to lose ties. I saved your number in my phone. I will start giving you weekly parental calls, like the rest of my parents. Please call me as well; I will answer no matter what I’m doing.