To a loving mother.

Dear Dora.

This letter isn’t to tell you how much I care and will miss Darren, I think that’s a given. I just wanted to write you a message to let you know what I love most about your son and my longest friend and what I will remember.

It’s hard to think of a specific moment. I’ve known him the longest of people in my life, immediate family exempted, and I can’t seem to pin point any specific moments. But, I think it’s for the best. When I think of Darren all I can think of is random amazing times.

I remember when we were both in kindergarten and my sister came in to help our class. She was the starter of our first big fight. I’m not sure if you remember this happening, but we both sat at the back of the classroom. She handed our stickers to everyone and once she got to us, all she had left was a tiger sticker and a snowflake sticker. Since I was her brother, she figured, give Darren the tiger and Bruce the snowflake. I was so mad that I got the girly sticker and he got the manly one; that I blamed him for asking when I was next. We must’ve spent about a week or so without speaking to one another. Both you and my mom interrogated the both of us and we were not having anything of it. We both said everything was alright and that it was the other person’s fault and so on and so on. Then, I remember that I hurt myself and you made Darren come play with me because I was in bed with a cast on my hand. We sat there for a bit quiet until he noticed my new power rangers toy. When he asked to play with it, I said no, only I could; so he got up and brought it to me. That’s what ended our fight.

To be honest, I don’t know how that story came to me but it’s so vivid that if put up for interrogation, I think I could even tell you what we were wearing (please don’t call me out on that though). It’s weird because I never thought anything of it, but looking back now, he is a bit of a disappointment in the sense that he never learnt any new tricks. Back then the only thing he ever relied on was what was right and what was kind, and now it’s still the same.

The next memory is not one you’ll enjoy, but god did it ever make me happy. He was dating someone in high school, which you didn’t like. So he would always say he was at my house and you never second guessed it. Until the time we were supposed to hang out and he ditched me, so I called asking for him. He got in so much trouble and I felt so bad, but at the same point I knew that it was his fault; because he had left me without telling me, so how was I supposed to help? We both got in trouble together, as always, but this time, the punishment you guys gave us was a kind one – Only allowed to hang out together, and we have to check in with both you so you know where we are. I think that time that you guys made us spend together got us so close.

It makes me laugh because, just last year when I finally built up the strength to tell him I was gay, he got so mad and in the midst of that anger, he brought up that week. Not in verbatim, but he pretty much said – we spent so much time making small talk because we were together all the time and had nothing new to tell each other and you couldn’t bring up this conversation starter.

He didn’t care that I liked boys, or that we bathed together or had sleepovers all the time including my last day before moving to Ottawa, he wasn’t weirded out by any of that, to him it was just me and whoever I am it’s just me and I felt the same way about him and the thing that hurts me most is that I will never be able to tell him how much I loved him. I have 2 brothers and somehow he knows more about me than they do. He was my rock in everything and I was his. I know things that he probably took to the grave with him (and once again, don’t ask, he’s watching right now and I want him to know that I will take it to the grave with me as well).

Darren was my best friend. When I moved, we kept in touch but I didn’t really speak with him. He was doing the whole RMC and military thing and I was starting a whole new exciting world. I regret that now. I look at my friends and the people that I surrounded myself with and they all have a piece of Darren in them; he would have loved my friends and they would have wanted him around all the time. They all wear their hearts on their sleeves; they would all do anything for a friend; they all value family like no one can imagine; and they all would have loved your son and my best friend.

It’s so like him to get the last laugh. I sent him a care package when he was overseas. I never told you and I doubt he did either because it was a care package of stuff that one wouldn’t ask a parent for. He promised me that he would bring me back a cool looking pen. So what did he do? In the letter he left me, there’s a pen drawn on that says “cool looking” on it.

I loved him and will miss him forever and always. I know you and my mom have already taken out all our old pictures, she told me, but to be honest, I don’t really need them. Feel free to take the ones you would like and I will keep the extras somewhere safe. It’s not that I don’t want a reminder of him, but as I write this, I notice that no matter the distance that came between us, I have never forgotten him; he has never stopped being my brother, my best friend, and one of the most important people in my life.

“If it’s worth doing, DO IT”

That’s the final message he left me in his letter. I was going to get something else tattooed on me, but that has become the most important sentence in my life. I’m going to put that on my side so that he’s forever side to side with me and I will think of him in everything I do.

Take care of yourself Dora, and if I learned anything from our best friend, it’s that life’s too short to lose ties. I saved your number in my phone. I will start giving you weekly parental calls, like the rest of my parents. Please call me as well; I will answer no matter what I’m doing.